Father’s Advice to New Husbands and Wives
Sun Myung Moon
July 11, 1982
Teachers In The Realm Of Heart
There are many women present who were just blessed. How many of you can say with confidence, “I am here as the rightful wife of ‘so and so,'”? I notice some of you didn’t raise your hands. I want to tell you a simple lesson: resolve to be the one woman in the world who loves your husband more than anyone else.
Don’t worry about what your husband does, just do your very best to love him. Determine that your eyes will be for him; determine that they will be the most beautiful eyes — beautiful not simply in a physical sense, but beautiful in the sense that they reflect the complete unity between your physical body and spirit body. The most beautiful kinds of eyes are those of true purity, those of sisters who never think about their earlier love relationships, but are working hard to eliminate all traces of such memories.
Expand Your Pool Of Love
You women should think to yourselves, “I have a huge pool of love within me, and no matter how good a swimmer my husband may be — even if he dives down a hundred feet and swims for a whole day — my pool of love is larger than his capability to swim it. He will never be able to explore the whole of it. My pool of love will never be diminished.”
Do you have such a pool of love within your mind? No matter what your husband does within your pool of love, still you must be generous enough to contain him. Then, after a few wild actions, he will become very docile. He will feel very happy because he knows he can do anything he wants that will please God; he will do nothing to cause you harm.
Perhaps this way of thinking never occurred to you before you got married. But how could you marry your prince, your son of God, without good preparation? If he treats you badly in the beginning, don’t worry; give him a chance to take out all his historical feelings of revenge toward women — let him express in one week what would have taken him a lifetime to get out. In this way, he will discover how free he can be within your pool — he can dive in and jump around and have all kinds of fun.
Have you ever observed the ocean during a raging storm? The waves are violent and the risk is very high, but the next day the sea becomes completely tranquil, without even a ripple. Your mind is like that as well — one day in turmoil and the next day peaceful.
Now that I have matched and blessed you, I feel a tremendous burden of responsibility for the future. “Will they live the right way?” I ask myself. “Will they grow closer to God and not drift away?” I want to speak to you in all seriousness. You have often heard me speak about how important love is, and you have said you understand. But do you really know how important love is? So, will you indeed resolve to develop within yourselves a pool of love much bigger than the ocean?
I enjoy very much watching people dive. When I go to Great Adventure Amusement Park, I never miss the high diving show. You women must allow your husbands to climb up to the highest peak and dive down freely into your pool of love. You wouldn’t hide a rock in the water for him to fall on, would you? You should try to put a great amount of water into the pool, it will surely be deep enough to cushion him; don’t try to drain out some of the water! Your husband might suppose he can swim your pool from shore to shore, but if you make yourself broad enough, he will become exhausted and cry out for you to help him Will you then reply, “You jumped in, so get yourself out” — or throw in a lifeline to rescue him?
You will probably discover that your husband is very straightforward and candid. He may not know very much about you women; he may suppose that because you are small you don’t amount to much. But when he jumps into your pool of love he should be completely surprised by the experience. He will exclaim, “I never knew you could be this way!” He will think, “My wife appears to be one kind of person, but actually she is quite different.” He will feel very proud and secure in that knowledge, and as a result, he will be able to do everything better.
What Men Can Never Do
Have you men ever stopped to consider what it is in women that you envy the most? What do they have that you wish you had? If you haven’t ever thought about that, you are very dull men, indeed! How will you ever be able to please your wife in the future?
You answer with qualities such as “sensitivity,” “softness,” “compassion and intuition.” What else? Let me answer this question for you: women can conceive and bear your children, and then nurse them at their breasts. That is one thing you men can never do, so you should be very envious. I was made most keenly aware of this recently when I was holding Jeung Jin Nim shortly after she was born; before long, I realized that she was very uncomfortable, so I gave her to Mother; soon she fell sound asleep. She never sleeps in my arms! I felt envious of Mother. The mother who nurses her baby is sharing her life with her baby. She is giving away her milk, but she feels so very happy in doing so. This kind of intimate relationship with the baby is something which the man must envy. The woman has this most precious privilege in the universe — and men cannot approach it. Do you agree with me?
You men may be thinking, “Father, are we actually at the point where I must listen to that?” Yes. You must listen to this — this is the one time in your life when you need to receive this guidance. Later you can use these words to educate your own children and grandchildren. I am explaining why I admire women.
You women must strive over and over again to become the kind of woman I am describing. I was nursed by my own mother. Every man, every king, in every land, was born of a woman and nursed by her before he grew up. Men should be proud of that — I am proud of that. I have that element of the universe, that kind of history, which enables me to speak about this point.
In sociology, we learn that in some societies of the past, women were the centers of the family — we call these matriarchal societies. Perhaps there were some bad side effects, but certainly they also had their virtues.
Each of you has an imagination. Imagine, now, the time of the fall. How do you picture the development of give and take between Eve and the Archangel? Don’t you think Eve probably smiled at the Archangel in order to get his attention? But hers became a self-centered smile, not a true smile given for the sake of the universe. The smile of a woman should not be for her own selfish benefit; it is supposed to be for the sake of others. The true definition of smiling leaves no room for selfishness. Well, maybe when you are putting on make-up, you can smile into the mirror to test how it looks — that is the only time it is normal to smile for yourself. At all other times you should be smiling for the sake of other people, to wish others well.
Your role as a wife is to provide for the happiness of your husband; this is more crucial than his responsibility to make you happy. I realize how hard American women have worked, how many difficult chores they have done around the home, how they have had to make peace between the in-laws. Such things could not have been possible without a woman’s smiles. The role of the mother is to smile and laugh and keep the whole family in a good humor.
Sometimes I wonder why it wasn’t the other way around. Why didn’t God give that responsibility to men rather than women?
Women Are More Adaptable
Why does it usually happen that the wife follows the husband, once they are married, and not the other way around? Because women are much more adaptable to difficult and changing circumstances than men are. With just a smile the woman can become accepted in a new place; even the harshest man will feel his heart melted by a woman’s genuine smile. Especially when it is the woman he loves who smiles, he cannot resist.
The smile is the most essential part of diplomacy — many diplomats have to learn how to duplicate a woman’s smile. The sincere smile of a woman makes her look more beautiful than a queen with all her regal adornments.
If you adopt these guidelines, when you get together and start your family, you will be like a well-oiled machine, and your family life will run very smoothly.
But you American women might protest: “It’s not fair that we have to do all these things; we don’t get so much in return.” You may think that your man is not doing anything, while you are expected to carry the entire burden. Deep inside, however, he is admiring you more than anyone else in the whole world. Then if you get peeved and tell your husband to help you by cleaning the bathroom, he will respond, although perhaps slowly; but still, he will do it for your sake.
Dominion Comes From Giving
You wives actually have control or dominion over your husbands, because of your constantly giving attitude. They will never object to doing whatever you desire for the rest of their lives; they will be happy to serve you. I ought to know about this; I am a man!
Because of my mission, I never listen to anyone else’s advice. I must be the total master of my mission. Yet I find myself somehow spellbound by Mother, so I always tag along with her. Wherever she goes, I want to go with her! I am big and Mother is just a small person, but between us is a universe of experience; and I just like to follow her wherever she goes. I love Mother beyond all my responsibilities in the present or future. My love for her surpasses everything else. Certainly between Mother and me there are complications and difficulties which we must overcome, but through love we are always able to do that. Mother is the one who must initiate the leadership within our relationship, not me. I have many different responsibilities and much more to accomplish in the outside world than she does; but in conclusion, women have a more important role than men.
In the practical sense as well, you women follow me better than men do. Isn’t this true? You men always feel the desire to rise to a level equal to mine; you don’t so naturally take the object position. When I express some fantastic idea, you men are thinking, “Oh, Father, I knew that! I could have said that too.” Women, on the other hand, just throw themselves into the experience of the sermon. That alone is proof that the women listen to me and obey me better than you men. Right? What you men are actually saying is that women are purer than you.
Still, you women should always reserve some part of yourself which cannot be easily understood by your husband. Even after many years of marriage, let your husband be able to say his wife is a mysterious woman. If that happens, you are a success!
Do these things inspire you? Don’t you want to try them out? When you begin to live with your spouse, during the first three days, you will share with each other the highlights of your lives; during the first three months, you will explore each other more deeply; by the end of the first three years, you may have shared all there is to talk about with each other. Then you might try to borrow ideas from other people to keep your conversation fresh, but don’t do that. Reserve enough aspects of yourself to keep you busy for the rest of your life. There is a saying, “One cannot judge the depth of deep water; one cannot know what is beyond the horizon.”
The ocean has a non-discriminating quality: it sustains big ships and holds up tiny boats. Some small craft are more like toys, but the waves support them just as effectively as the luxury yachts; the waves do not discriminate. If you are just as broad-minded about your husband, together you are bound to raise your children excellently.
Women’s Artistic Nature
Since God likes artistic things, He made women with so many variables; women can change their appearance by wearing different clothes, trying on new make-up, and so on. For whose sake was this capacity created? For God’s sake, so He could look at women and enjoy their many variations. Thus, if you wear make-up to give pleasure to God, that is a very different motivation from the usual secular one.
Sometimes men seem very drab, but women look extremely colorful, especially in some cultures. Even old grandmas like to wear bright red dresses. I have seen women wearing big bold rings on several fingers. Women like to wear necklaces, bracelets, scarves, etc., in order to add more color. It is a natural instinct for every woman, as soon as she comes of age, to start trying to adorn herself with beautiful clothes and accessories. They are fulfilling their God-given nature; since He is artistic, He made His daughters artistic as well.
When you go to art galleries, do you find more paintings of men or of women? Artists have always portrayed more women than men. What if the Mona Lisa were a smiling man? Do you suppose so many people would have gone to museums to try to figure out such an enigmatic smile? A smile is more the rightful aspect of a woman than a man. It would be rather weird to see a man wreathed in smiles day in and day out. But whatever a woman bestows her smiles on is brightened by her.
Even when she is alone, a woman smiles at the sun. On the other hand, a man rarely grins when he gazes at a flower or the sun. We are amused when we see a woman laughing so hard she has to sit down; a man, on the other hand, will laugh so hard he has to stand up. A smiling woman tries to hide her face, but a man bursts into loud, bold laughter.
Have you ever stopped to wonder why men, and not women, have beards? I have one explanation: in order for a woman to express her emotions to the fullest extent, she can’t have a beard; since men don’t show their inner feelings so fully with their face, a beard doesn’t block their expression. Actually, I have never asked God about that, so if any of you have a chance, why don’t you ask Him? (I think He will tell you the same thing I just said.)
Dancers keep their costumes to a minimum, because clothes would hide their movements. Once you start living together as husband and wife, you women would probably want to dance for your husband occasionally. Go ahead, adorn yourselves and dance the fullest for him.
Women ought to smile, regardless of what happens, although women certainly cry more than men. Once you are mothers, try not to cry in front of your children, for if you do cry, that memory will remain with them for a long time; children feel very hurt when they see their mother cry.
Managing A Family
It can be a struggle for a person to manage his own life; how difficult it is to manage a family: watching over your children, all day, day after day; doing the laundry, etc.! You have to wash your family every day — not just with soap and water, but with a mother’s love. This is something a father’s love cannot do. When a little child begins to cry and his daddy tries to comfort him, he usually continues crying; only the mother can console him enough to stop the flow of tears. The child naturally seeks his mother’s love; she is softer and plumper, compared to men, who are usually skinny and hard. All beings come from a mother, so naturally they seek out their source. If the child goes to his mother and for some reason she turns away, he has no other recourse. He must receive the mother’s love. As mothers, you will need to provide constant love in great quantities. Thus, a woman’s love can wash anything or anyone.
Mother and I have had many children, so I can understand the differences between boys and girls. If I am feeling a little ill, my son. express sincere concern and repeatedly ask, “How is father?” When they see me, they shout out, “Father, are you feeling okay?” After I answer, they go on their way. However, my daughters are different; they may not say much, but they will do many little things to try to make me feel better: bringing me juice, giving me a massage, etc. Even at a young age, there are differences between masculine and feminine natures.
The point I am stressing here is the significance of women in the family. If we compare a family to the body, we might say that men are the bones and women are the flesh.
I Depend More On You Women
You newly-blessed couples will be playing a very significant role in establishing the tradition of the future. Should I depend more directly on the men or the women for this new tradition to be successful? I depend more on the women. Hope for the future is being launched through you. If this prototype for marriage succeeds, the entire Western world can have substantial hope for the future; but if you fail, so much will be washed down the drain. Western civilization is dependent upon your success.
I know that you may be too young to understand the historical significance of the words I am saying now, but in the future you will understand. If you do not practice the way of life I have been teaching you, history will be your judge.
Women’s responsibility is even more important than men’s. Your role is more crucial. I have told you the secret: get rid of your self-centeredness. There is no room for “me-first” attitudes in the family. Think that your husband, your children, your parents and God are all that matter to you. How can you become such selfless persons? Serve and care for ten people within your household, attending to their every need. Later on, if you lose your temper at those ten people three times, and they are able to forgive you three times — remembering all the hard work which you did for them — acknowledging that you had a right to tell them off, then you have succeeded in your effort to be selfless. When you are able to criticize your husband and he accepts it, you will know that you have fulfilled your wifely role to perfection.
Teach Your Husband’s Clan
When you have the right kind of textbook for life, you can educate your own household and other households as well. Of course this will not be an easy course to follow, but remember that your way is not nearly as arduous as God’s historical course of restoration, and not as difficult as my way has been.
You women should teach the realm of heart to your husband; then you must give good influence to your relatives and in-laws. You might even take the attitude that your husband is not marrying you — he is hiring a tutor of love for his household. Your husband cannot be the best teacher to his own clan; they all know him too well, so they won’t even listen to him. But you, who are not so well known, can come into his household and be revered as a saint. They will adore you. You will have a much better chance of educating your husband’s clan than he ever will. This was true even in Jesus’ clan.
Which must you first practice — giving or receiving? Certainly you must give first. In order to join your husband’s clan, you will need some resources to take along with you; all teachers have teaching aids which they carry with them. Try your best to listen to and care for the people around you in the most sincere and true way.
In the Orient there is a folk saying that a woman who falls asleep is not doing a good thing. Since she must do so many chores around the house, caring for her husband’s clan, the new wife has no opportunity ever to take a nap. However, there is one time she can take a nap — when she is nursing her baby; that is totally acceptable, and everyone can respect her for resting at such a time. What a deep feeling a sacrificial mother will have towards her children! When those children grow up, they will comprehend a true mother’s love, and they will understand how the father should adore his wife.
You must realize one important thing: whether a family is rich or poor has no bearing upon the quality of their love. Don’t worry about whether you are rich or poor. Center upon your family’s wealth — of love. How rich are you in love? That is all that really matters.
You Never Lose By Sacrificing
According to my guidelines, it seems that you women have to sacrifice everything and leave nothing for yourselves. This is probably a difficult concept for you American women to accept. You may buy presents for everyone else on their birthdays and perhaps nobody will remember your own; but even then, don’t think you are being short-changed. Years from now, your husband’s mother may surprise you with an incredible gift, perhaps a family heirloom. She will want to give you that precious gift quietly, without fanfare, and although you may protest that you are not worthy of such a gift. she will insist that no one deserves it more than you. Eventually, everyone will appreciate you, and all the blessings of the family will come to you because you loved them the most.
According to this principle, the one who always sacrifices is never the loser. You are destined to be a queen, but how can you become one? Only by your loving thoughts and loving actions — by following the guidelines which I have given you. Relatives and in-laws will eventually come to you to express their deep, heartfelt love and gratitude for what you have given them.
As you are entering the next phase of your life, as married couples, you must realize that it will not be easy; there are bound to be many complications and difficulties. Will you resolve to be loving queens?
Bearing The Cross Of Heart
You women have had to follow me through this complicated thinking process, but you men need remember only one thing: women are always bearing the cross of heart. Remember that this cross is invariably being laid on the women. Even though it is not always visible, your wife is carrying such a cross. You should be thinking of how you can help lessen her burden, lighten her cross. Console her, praise her, encourage her, give her hope. Tell her, “I am not worthy; I haven’t provided you with much, but let’s just wait three more years and I will bring you everything.”
You must encourage her by reminding her of the value of sacrifice in the present moment for the sake of future glory. “We are living like this in order to set the example for the restoration,” tell her. “When we are able to do this successfully, all the generations of the future will be indebted to us. If we can accomplish our mission now, we will be happy; we don’t need millions of dollars to be happy, just fulfill our mission.”
Do you men understand now? Don’t expect your wife to come and console you; she is carrying the cross. So you should try to comfort her. If you notice that she is continually suffering, apologize to her saying, “I have been unworthy, but please have hope in me, and I will free you from your heavy cross.”
Don’t ever hurt your wife, because she is already carrying such a burden of heart on her shoulders. If you hurt her, you are jeopardizing not only yourself but also your whole family, who will suffer as a result of your wife being hurt.
I have described the pool of love which the wives need. How about the husbands? You must have a very clear, fresh pool, so that when your wife comes into contact with you, you can refresh her. Women should feel refreshed from their contact with their husband.
Even though you may believe that something your wife is doing is not right and you would like to correct her, don’t say anything. Give her enough days, months — even years — to know she is wrong so she will change.
Give each other hope, not despair. People like to share their despair, but that is wrong. If your husband totally fails to give you any kind of hope — if he gives you only negativity — you can report that directly to me and I will try to compensate for your husband! I will give you some hope. But you must remember that your husband is very young; even if he is 30 years old, he may be in just the third grade, spiritually. By the time he graduates, he will be like me. You are his teacher, so don’t become discouraged — and don’t discourage him either. When the wife comforts and encourages her husband, he is always inspired.
You men, are you going to be indebted to your wife, or will you make her indebted to you? If you promise to make her indebted to you, take that promise seriously and carry it out.
And remember, don’t meddle in the household management! Your wife is the Home Minister. (You are the Foreign Minister!)